Mixed feelings.

A three month internship in Jerusalem at the Times of Israel. Great, I'm overjoyed! Stressing out a little because it's far, I'm not used to writing in French but still really really happy. The last couple of days are extremely hard on me emotionally in Brussels as the moment when I am going to leave everyone I love far behind me. But it's only three months, it's not the end of the world, it's everything I had hoped for, a big adventure!
At the airport I act blasé although deep down I want to let myself cry all the tears I have in me. I can't though, I'm with my mum, in public, I hold everything in. My eyes are already puffy from crying really hard the night before anyway. Time to say goodbye at the ID check, I give in, let a few tears out but quickly gain back control of myself and stop.

I wait in the lounge, I'm okay, online chatting.  We board, I'm still good, I read, watch Hatufim, eat. Then my episode is over and I realise I forgot to download the next one. I'm to tired to read, I pull my cap down and try to go to sleep but the thoughts creep in, slowly, painfully. My eyes are tearing up as I wonder what I am doing on this plane, I start questioning my motives, my needs and wishes. Do I really want this? Or is it me trying to please everyone and bluff them by pretending I have a dream? Is it really me? Where/what am I going to? It's swirling in my mind, a hurricane of bad thoughts. I eventually realise my fear is only being far away from my friends, family, love, cosy habits. It's only for three months but it's soooo hard, I can't stop crying now. I go to the toilet and catch my reflection in the mirror; bloodshot tired and tear-y eyes look back at me.
When I get back to my seat I calm myself down and manage to get some sleep.

We land and as usual their highly trained airport security spot me just as I step in the airport. Some mild questioning, it's always the same. Walk to the ID check, sent - with apology from the guy - to the detention room for ten minutes and I'm given back my passport with no more questions. The luggage aren't on the conveyor belt yet. I chat with three enormous Christians while I wait. I see my suitcase, grab it and I'm out of there. I step out of the airport, board the shared taxi and the bad feelings are all gone. I'm extremely tired but I'm smiling in my seat.

I've been here for a day now and it's not very easy as I miss some people a whole lot but it's okay, I'm okay, it's just for three months. I know I will have fun and enjoy myself. I start work on Sunday but the adventure has started today.

Shabbat Shalom everyone!
Location: German Colony, Jerusalem, Israel

Comments

  1. TsirahJanuary 20, 2014 10:07 pm

    In the future could you abstain from spreading the gospel on my blog please?

    ReplyDelete
  2. AnnekaJanuary 23, 2014 6:28 pm

    If it makes you feel any better, I am extremely proud of you (while also being pretty damn jealous)! But seriously, I think you are so brave going out there all by yourself, I know that it would take me months to prepare and even then, I would be more of a wreck than you at the airport! I know you miss home but believe me, this experience will change you for the better but I know it will also just add onto the beautiful person you already are. Miss and love you!

    ReplyDelete
  3. TsirahJanuary 23, 2014 7:55 pm

    Aw <3 Thank you :) I literally had ten days to prepare my suitcase and mentally. So crazy!
    I miss you and love you too! Come visit me!! :D

    ReplyDelete

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